It had to come, right.  Claudia had a bad day.  I know, after all the perfection and one day followed by one even better, it had to happen.  I just had a pity party today.  It's that ol' identity crisis lurking in the wings, plus my trainer Phil was bitchy at me, and I wonder if I'm just a lazy slob here in trophy wife land, and I'm second guessing myself and wondering who I am -- and really, who needs this at 56?  It's about discipline and if I push myself enough and if I am really accomplishing anything and what would accomplishment look like anyway.  

Phil didn't like my loaded squats or my attitude today, and I don't want to be thin-skinned or unable to take direction/comments/criticism, but I really wasn't getting it.  I've never pushed myself physically, and am pretty happy just doing OK -- for me, getting to the gym at all is an event.  I've always realized that trainers live in a different physical world, they're all about pushing which is probably why they go into that field, but their clients wouldn't need trainers if they were the same type.  So, I guess he feels that it's his job or his style, but I'm getting tired of loaded squats -- I'm getting tired of pushing my butt out and loading on my heels.  I know it's a valuable exercise for my future health, but maybe I should have just skipped it all today and eaten a cupcake.  Maybe I don't need to be paying him to make me feel bad, or maybe I really do -- who knows.

Then I've been trying to think of how I can add a little income and not work, because I'm feeling kind of worthless but not energized.  Typically, looking for an easy way out rather than hard work.  I don't want to work hard any more, but I feel that I should bring in something to buy toys with.  I'm lazy -- I want the killer idea like a pet rock or something.  Just like everyone, I guess, I'd like to make money and totally enjoy doing it so that it didn't feel like work.  I know some people find that, but by this age, I guess I would have found it already if it was out there for me.  I do think about writing -- I can blab on a page fairly well, but turning that into money is no small task.  I've thought about screenplays or scripts, but there's this whole miserable breaking-in/rejection process that I'm not sure I'd have the patience for -- I'd just give up.  56 might actually be young in the course of my life, but I'm feeling old at the moment, like if something was going to happen, it would have done it already.  BOOO HOOO.