Now that the wedding is over, and life is supposed to be more settled, I've been considering the idea of discipline -- or will power, or more loosely, structure.  I can see that these are virtues, and I know that I do possess them, but a lot of my life has been fighting them.  There's a big side of me that rebels against structure, and I'd like to think about where the middle ground is for me.  

After all my years of work, I certainly followed procedures, created procedures, set up schedules, followed them, got to work on time, turned things in on time, set standards and kept to them.  That was all part of doing a good job, and being productive.  On the other hand, I always felt that I butted heads with people who held rules/procedures inviolate.  Schools seemed big on that -- rules are rules, and no reason need to be applied after they were set in stone.  It led to 6 year olds being arrested for bringing a squirt gun to school, etc.  To me, there are the black and white people, and the gray people -- and I'm totally gray.  

In terms of my own life and productivity right now, though...I can see that gray could lead to lots of wheel spinning and never feeling like I got anything done.  I'm making my own rules  about how to spend my time now, but I don't have a deep reverence for rules.  What are my responsibilities right now?  Are there things I have to (want to) accomplish each day/week etc.?  I think the answer is yes, and I've been working out ideas of goals, measuring them, etc., in the last few days.  But a big part of me rebels against that, because I think those kinds of lists draw a small circle around life and it's possibilities and leave out the good stuff.  Or, can the good stuff ONLY happen when the list is complete?  Or, how does the good stuff get on the list?  How can "it's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, drop everything and take the dog for a walk immediately" get on a list?  But to me, it's the most important part of life.  I've known people who would continue to wash toilets on a beautiful day and not allow themselves to go out...because of this list.  Maybe the list is important because at some point you come back from the walk, and you can look at the list again in order to continue to accomplish things you want to accomplish. 

I think of quilting -- which makes it onto a list of something I want to do.  How does it compare with cleaning a floor?  Is the floor more important?  Do I have to do the floor to earn the quilting?  I'm not sure.  Some people would have a strong feeling that the floor just had to be done, and they'd do it first thing in order to quilt.  Deep down, I don't feel that way, but think that life might be better if I did.

Well, I do have a bunch of lists I'm working on -- and there is probably value in making them and looking at them daily -- but beyond that...I just don't have it figured out yet.